Dazed (The Deliverance Series Book 1) Read online

  Me: I’m working right now, I was going to study later, but if you need me I can put it off?

  I quickly tap out the reply and cross my fingers that he responds soon as I only have five minutes before I need to be back on the shop floor.

  Just as I’m putting my things back into my locker, the cell vibrates in my hand.

  Caden: Cool. I’ll come to yours at seven. Does that work?

  Me: I’m off work at five, so seven is good.

  Once again, I’m about to lock my phone away when it buzzes.

  Caden: I’ll get you from work at five.

  Me: K

  Andersons is a pretty well-stocked grocery store. It can’t compete with the big chains, but it’s the nearest to campus so it has a regular customer base as well as the odd tourist. My job is fairly structured, but it has just enough chaos to keep me entertained. I move through my shift today at what feels like a snail’s pace serving rude customers and bratty kids. Today I’m not enjoying my job.

  “Hey,” Caden greets me as I walk out of Andersons. He stands leaning against his car, although it’s not the same car as I’ve been in before. His long legs are crossed at the ankle, and his arms are folded across his chest making his biceps bulge out from under his navy tee. He smiles at me but it’s sad.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I ask on approach. A few girls walk past and openly stare at Caden, hunger clear in their eyes.

  He ignores them, as his focus is entirely on me.

  “New car?” I ask when he doesn’t answer my first question.

  He stands up and gives the car a quick glance. “Na, it’s Tarrant’s,” he tells me with a shrug, just hearing his twin’s name causes a spasm in my chest. I chuckle to myself, looking down and shaking my head almost inconspicuously.

  When the hell did I become a smitten schoolgirl?

  Caden opens the car door and I get in without either of us saying a word. We travel silently back to my dorm. When he stops, I look over at him, but he stares straight ahead as if in a trance.

  “Caden?” My voice has a wobble to it. I’m getting worried now.

  His head snaps to me. “I needed to talk to someone.” It’s a whisper of acceptance, something he obviously didn’t want to admit.

  “Needing to talk to someone isn’t something you should be embarrassed about. We all need to lean on other people sometimes. If you put off talking about things that are difficult, they can start to control you.” I swallow down the irony in my words.

  He looks over at me.

  “Come on, Morgan’s at her brother’s house this weekend. Come up to my dorm,” I offer.

  He doesn’t reply with words, but as if on autopilot, he gets out of the car and follows me up and into my room. I shrug off my coat and put on some music. Opening the fridge, I’m relieved to see Morgan must have stocked it before she left. I grab a couple of ready-to-go smoothies and offer him one.

  He raises his eyebrow at me but accepts the drink.

  “What? Aren’t you Mr. Jock? I mean you need to have healthy stuff, right?” I say with a wink trying to lighten the mood. He gives me a small smile and I drop down onto the sofa. “Come on, sit down,” I tell him.

  Caden folds his big body down next to me and picks at the label on the smoothie bottle. I wait for him to talk. I know what it’s like when people push you. Sometimes all you need is to sit with a friend who makes you feel totally comfortable and not say a word.

  “My dad’s a dick.” His words pierce the air and startle me. “You don’t know much about me yet,” he states knowingly. I shake my head but stay quiet. “Look, Laura, we haven’t been friends for long, but I feel like there’s something here,” he says gesturing between us. My eyes widen, Caden notices and smiles. It’s the first genuine smile I’ve seen on his face since he picked me up. “I’m still talking about friendship, Larry, don’t look so nervous.” I narrow my eyes on him and tilt my head. “Okay.” He holds his hands up in surrender and chuckles. Secretly, I’m brimming with joy that I’ve managed to make him happy when he seems so sad. “Seriously, though, I feel like there’s a bond here. I can’t talk to many people.” He shrugs and averts his gaze. “I don’t know why I find it hard to be myself, even with my brother,” he admits and closes his eyes as if in pain.

  “Caden, you can be you, with me,” I whisper.

  “I know,” he replies instantly. “I don’t know how I know, I just feel it in here.” He thumps his chest.

  I gaze at Caden and wonder, not for the first time, why I can’t feel something sexual for him. In every other way he’s perfect boyfriend material, but there’s something missing and instead he feels like a brother, like Aiden.

  “Tell me,” I coax gently.

  “My mom and dad have had problems for years. My brother and I weren’t brought up in a happy home. Dad cheated on Mom for as long as I can remember. Looking back now, I have no idea why she stayed with him for so long,” he says rubbing the back of his neck. “Things finally came to a head when Tarrant and I were out one night. My car got a flat and so we decided to drop the party we were heading to and go home instead. We walked in on Dad whaling on Mom.” He grinds his teeth as pain for both him and me shoots through my chest. “Tarrant and I pulled him off her and kicked him out. She had to go to the hospital for cuts and bruises, luckily nothing more serious. That’s when we told Mom he wasn’t coming back.”

  Caden stands and starts pacing before walking to the wall and slapping it with the palm of his hand, then he leans his forehead against it. “She said he’s never done it before and after a few days of talking, we all agreed it would be best to move. None of us have contacted him, only through lawyers when we encouraged Mom to file for divorce.” He turns back around and leans against the wall, staring at me. “He’s stayed away. It’s been two months and we’ve heard nothing. I’m pretty sure Mom started to relax.” He drags his hand over his face.

  “Tarrant and I never noticed how tense she was over the years, not until we saw her coming out of a shell… or a prison, one he obviously created.” He snarls. “Fuck. He came back today, Laura,” he tells me, sadness in his eyes. “It seems that his latest piece doesn’t want him anymore, either that or he suddenly realizes what he had in Mom.” He shrugs. “Who knows why he does what he does. Tarrant is away this weekend too.” I frown but say nothing. “He’s gone to a car show with some friends. Mom asked me to let her have some time alone with Dad, and I said no.” His jaw tenses and he stares off somewhere into the distance. “Dad and I had a blazing row, and Mom pleaded that I leave them to talk. I couldn’t get my car out, so I used Tarrant’s. I called him and he’s pissed. It’s hard to know if he’s more pissed at Dad turning up, Mom wanting to give him any time at all, or me for leaving them alone.” That’s when he sinks to the floor, bringing his knees up and letting his arms and head hang between his open legs.

  “Caden,” I whisper as I slide down to the floor next to him, mirroring his stance and resting my cheek on his shoulder. I want to tell him it will all be okay. I want to say that Tarrant isn’t angry at him, that his mom will be fine, but I can’t say anything. Because even though it feels like I’ve been a part of Caden’s life for years, the truth is that it’s only been a short while, and I haven’t even met Tarrant yet, not officially.

  Instead I tell him part of my story.

  “I had a brother,” I whisper lifting my head from his shoulder. From the corner of my peripheral vision I see him jerk at my words, but I don’t move choosing instead to keep my eyes pinned to the photo of Morgan and Max on the shelf opposite—it sits right next to a photo of me and her. “I don’t anymore.” I heave as a silent sob tries to escape. “Aiden was the only person in my life that truly loved me. He was everything to me. Everything.”

  “You don’t have to tell me.” Caden’s hushed words bring me back to the moment. I look over smiling at him and grab his hand. He immediately threads our fingers together and starts softly stroking his thumb over mine, like he’s trying t
o give me the strength I need to continue.

  “We were really close, he was my best friend.” I can feel the emotion continuing to gather at the very bottom of my throat. I usually keep it locked up tight, but letting myself think about Aiden allows the feelings to seep out of the crevices wrapping around me like a poisonous vine.

  “Don’t try to stop the emotions. I think it’s better to let them out. You’re okay, I have you,” he tells me and my shoulders drop.

  “He was popular, we both were, even when Aiden first came out as gay.” Caden stiffens but I ignore him. “Shit happens and things change, I guess.”

  “What, you stopped being popular because he came out as gay?” he snaps. I look at him and see his eyes are narrowed.

  “No,” I murmur. “I became a social leper all on my own.” I bite the end of my tongue and taste the metallic flavor as I draw blood. It still doesn’t stop the tears from forming though. “But that’s something I’m not ready to go into right now.” I shudder as a deep breath rips through my body. Caden seems to take the cue that I’m done talking, and like a good friend he turns the conversation on its head.

  “Then don’t, there’ll be another time. We’re friends, remember? There’s no escaping now,” he says with an amused snort and bumps my shoulder with his.

  “Oh Lord, help me. What did I do to get stuck with you?” I giggle as a couple of tears slip down my cheeks.

  “Come here,” he says and guides me soothingly into his chest.

  “I miss him so much,” I confess quietly as he holds me.

  Caden doesn’t reply, he just rocks me gently, and I finally submit to his warmth and fall asleep.

  My sleepy brain barely registers his soft voice, but I think I hear him say that I’m perfect, and he truly wishes he was attracted to me.

  It’s been three weeks since I broke down to Caden in my dorm room and then promptly fell asleep. Thankfully, he hasn’t mentioned it again. I woke up the next morning tucked into bed, mostly dressed with a glass of water and some Advil next to me. We’ve spent nearly every day together and people are starting to talk, but the truth is that he’s quickly become one of my best friends.

  Morgan has fallen in love with Caden. She thinks he’s such a good guy, and she’s right, he is. Since she and Aaron have been on for the last few weeks we often go out as a foursome, and for the first time in so long I feel safe. Before now, only Aiden ever gave me that feeling, and when I lost him I lost everything that was him. Morgan is my best friend, but she’s never been able to give that to me. There’s something about having a big, brawny teddy bear as your friend, something that makes you feel secure even if, in reality, you’re no different than you were before. Caden gives me that without even knowing he’s doing it.

  Tonight I am officially meeting Tarrant. I mentioned to Caden last week that I’d never actually met his brother, and his response was to shrug. Tarrant isn’t in any of my classes, and although I’ve seen him smirk at me when he’s caught me staring in the lunch hall, I’ve not actually spoken to him, and Caden hasn’t seemed interested in us meeting. Then yesterday, he suddenly suggested I come with him to meet his brother, we’re now heading to a pool hall where everyone is getting together for a night out. I didn’t question him when he texted me with the offer last night. I only replied that Morgan wanted to come along, which he seemed fine with. Today I’ve been too busy with work to speak to him, but he’s due to pick us up in five minutes.

  “Are you ready yet?” I complain to Morgan as I lay on my bed.

  “Look, I had to get you ready first, and now you’re laying down… laying down! Messing up your hair and after I did such a good job and made myself late getting ready,” she huffs while combing her hair out.

  I bite the inside of my cheek and try not to laugh at her dramatics. It’s true that she ‘made me up’ tonight, but that was her suggestion. In fact, if I remember correctly, it was her begging for me to allow her free rein over my clothes, makeup, and hair. I only agreed with the caveat that she would use the clothes from my wardrobe and wouldn’t put me in a skirt. She wasn’t pleased, but she agreed. I have to admit when I first saw myself after her makeover, I was somewhere between amazed and sickened. A strange range of emotions you might think, but not to me, not with my history. I was amazed that I looked good but sickened because I was too close to looking like the girl I once was, and it’s been my mission for so long to forget her. That’s why I couldn’t bring myself to wear the skirt, too close to my past, and although I’m slowly getting better I’m not ready for that, not yet.

  Standing, I stretch in front of my mirror and re-fluff my hair, the long light brown with blonde streaked locks tumble down my back. My hair used to be my most favorite feature. Long, thick, and the color—which does look like it’s highlighted—is completely natural, but when I changed I started tying it up. I haven’t allowed it to hang loose in ages and I feel a swell of pride seeing it now. However, not one to stop with my locks, Morgan made my bright green eyes smokey, she then used me as her Barbie doll while forcing me to try on outfit after outfit. In the end, I put my foot down and gave her thirty seconds to choose something before I picked it myself. She knew I was serious, and that’s how I ended up wearing black leggings, a cream off-the-shoulder crop top, teamed with black five-inch ankle boots and my short purple leather jacket. I look like I belong in a fashion magazine. I also look nothing like me. For one night, though, I’m willing to wear it.

  My phone buzzes, and without looking at it I move to the window and peer outside. As predicted, Caden is downstairs getting out of his truck.

  “Come on, Caden’s here,” I tell Morgan.

  She’s only in her underwear, but within a second she has a sweater dress on which hits her thighs. She then pulls on a pair of knee-high boots over her long socks and grabs her purse.

  “Ready.” She winks at me with a grin.

  I shake my head. Morgan now has a look that you would think took her two minutes to throw together but looks sexy as hell, where in reality she’s spent at least an hour deciding what to wear tonight.

  I giggle and link my arm through hers as we make our way downstairs.

  “Damn,” Caden says as he meets us on the stairwell, but it’s not in a good way I realize as I see the grimace on his face and he rubs the back of his neck—which seems to be his signature move.

  “You okay?” I ask as a churning starts in my tummy.

  “Yeah, I’m good. You both look gorgeous,” he adds before we all walk silently out to his truck.

  Morgan tugs my arm and I look at her. What was that? She mouths to me silently, and I shrug. I have no idea what that was, and I’m not sure I want to know.

  It’s amazing how a ten-minute car ride can feel like an hour when everyone is silent, and there’s a weird vibe. I’m internally freaking out, dressed like my old self, meeting up with people that are no doubt popular and not my ‘go to’ group, not that I have a group. I have a Morgan… well, now I also have a Caden. On top of that, one-half of my friendship circle is acting strange, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable.

  Morgan will be fine, she always is. She fits in perfectly with the ‘in crowd’ like I used to. This place isn’t somewhere I would have previously gone if Morgan wasn’t in the picture encouraging me, but tonight I said yes for Caden, something that I’m doing more of lately. I’m exploring myself and pushing my boundaries. He allows me to do that because the safe that I feel with him comes with a sense of freedom. Now though, with his silence, I’m starting to fret like I would have done if I was going somewhere that Morgan had persuaded me to go.

  “Maybe tonight wasn’t a great idea,” I mumble, pulling at the sleeve of my jacket.

  Caden’s head whips around to face me. “No, tonight will be fun,” he replies before turning back to watch the road. “I’m sorry I’m quiet, I have a lot on my mind.”

  I shrug. “That’s okay if you want to talk…” I let my words hang. I know Morgan is there, so he’s
unlikely to want to be open and honest, but I have to give him a chance.

  His eyes move to the rearview and must meet with Morgan’s as she giggles and waves her hand. I turn to face her.

  “Yep, I’m still here.” She winks at him and he chuckles. Thanks to Morgan the tension is broken, and the next twenty minutes of the journey is a complete contrast to the first ten. We chat and laugh, and Morgan tells us how she’s currently off with Aaron, but she won’t say why. I figure it’s because Caden is here and make a mental note to talk to her about it tomorrow. She doesn’t seem overly upset about it, though.

  “Yipee,” Morgan claps when we arrive and park. She practically bounces out of the car and skips down the sidewalk to the pool hall. “Come on slowpokes, I’ll see you in there,” she shouts back before disappearing through the double doors, releasing a billow of smoke that dances in the night air.

  “Laura,” Caden murmurs my name and grabs my elbow as I move to follow Morgan. I glance back at him and frown when I see a worried look in his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” I reply turning to face him.

  He looks between me and his truck. “Come back inside, I need to talk to you.”

  I follow him back into the truck and we sit quietly as I wait for him to start.

  “I’m gay.”

  My body stiffens at his words. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I blink a few times and cough trying to clear my suddenly dry throat.

  “Say something,” he whispers.

  I relax and slowly move my whole body, so I’m facing his profile. I stare at his hands gripping the steering wheel, his knuckles white from the strength of his hold. Leaning forward, I place my hand over his. “It’s me, relax, I still love you, you big oaf,” I soothe. His hands instantly loosen as he pulls them from the wheel and slides his fingers through mine. Caden’s shoulders sag forward as he huffs out a sigh.